Dealing with Insecurity & Shame in a Relationship

Dealing with Insecurity & Shame in a Relationship

Today’s post is my reaction, being a life & love mentor, up to a reader’s concern regarding pity and insecurity after and during a relationship. Though it talks right to a intimate relationship, equivalent principles connect with any relationship and any situation where you’re waiting on hold to emotions of worthlessness.

The various tools below will coach you on how to approach insecurity and can empower you to definitely restore your self-confidence and self-compassion.

Dear D: My Boyfriend Causes Me Personally Feel Insecure

I happened to be in a relationship with a person for 3 years that ended this past year. It absolutely was a relationship that is healthy the very first couple of years, but we expanded aside, and stayed together half a year much longer than we must have. In place of getting away from the connection, he stopped including me in their life. I’m nearly particular he started dating their girlfriend that is current before relationship finished.

I’m struggling utilizing the proven fact that he had been lazy and cowardly about ending our relationship. We had conversations it wasn’t working, but he stated he cared about me, and desired to make it work well. Absolutely absolutely absolutely Nothing he did reflected that. Finally he was told by me it had been done, in which he then took six months getting their things away from the house.

When you look at the dark devote my heart, We can’t overcome this sense of worthlessness. It had been simple for him to quit including me personally in the life, in which he didn’t care sufficient about me personally to say ‘it’s over’. Why am we shame that is experiencing and just how may I undertake this insecurity?

Many thanks for reaching out, and I also have always been therefore sorry for the pain sensation additionally the feeling of insecurity and worthlessness that you will be experiencing.

It hurts to be disappointed by somebody you get your self susceptible to. Into the perfect globe, you’d simply tell him things you need, in which he will give it for your requirements. He’d attempt to make the connection work. (he’d respect you, and re-locate quickly. if it couldn’t,) he’dn’t begin a brand new relationship before leaving the present one with you!

He failed to live as much as your objectives.

I invite you to definitely take into account the future” that is“possible plus the feasible we of the future…

Do you want to be bold and think that honest, pleased, wholehearted love is looking forward to you?

Are you prepared to stay, completely focused on producing this future that is radiant no real matter what?

I am hoping therefore! Since when you are doing, you start become defined because of the long run a lot more than the last.

What’s the initial step in doing that, exactly?


You’ll want to just just simply take COMPREHENSIVE ownership for the love life in past times, as well as the present – the great, bad, as well as the ugly.

At this time, you’re probably thinking, “But Danielle, it’s not MY FAULT… I’ve done everything right… I tried making it work…. I also told him to finally leave…. Why do I need to just simply just take 100% duty?”

First, i’d like to explain that accepting “100% duty” isn’t:

X Negating or EXCUSING a wrongdoing by some other person.

X using the accepted spot of feeling REAL emotions like discomfort, anger, sadness, frustration, etc…

X dealing with 100% of this “fault”.

√ It IS about using ownership associated with part that YOU’VE played in your love life… …including most of the choices that YOU’VE made, and all sorts of of this events that YOU’VE added to.

In the event that you continue steadily to let yourself stew in experiencing “wronged” (no matter if that other individual ended up being 95% to blame), you then become blinded, and cannot observe how you may possibly have added for this scenario.

When you’ve got a solid, compassionate self-reflection training, it is possible to ask:

Just How did I co-create this? In just what methods did we enable this? Just What flags that are red we ignore because i did son’t desire to rock the motorboat?

Who had been we being that we remained with a person whom revealed me personally he had been unavailable and insensitive if you ask me for more than a few months?

It doesn’t matter what has occurred when you look at the past…today, you’re able to produce a brand new tale for yourself.

Tools to conquer Feeling Worthless, Insecure or Ashamed

So…how are you able to simply take 100% obligation for the circumstances around love? exactly what can you are doing to banish emotions of worthlessness and shame?

It’s an activity. Today but it starts with an exercise that you can do:


Exactly just just How did we subscribe to these situations?

Exactly what do we result in in this example?

exactly What am we happy to make an effort to appreciate concerning this relationship?

“I am prepared to simply take 100% duty for several we create in love and life.

We recognize that, while some may are likely involved in my own life, We am the CREATOR of my scenario. I’m in charge, and I also am that effective.”

All my love, Danielle

Simply had this myself. Truthfully, exactly exactly what managed to make it worse was he then declined to acknowledge me personally in public areas and sometimes even react to some of my questions via e-mail. As though ditching me personally for the next girl wasn’t disrespectful enough, he previously to carry on the b.s. publically. And I also knew as he works and lives within blocks of my workplace that I would occasionally see him.

And even though yes, if we knew I would personallyn’t need certainly to see him once again – we would entirely cut contact. Nevertheless the other time, as he once more attempted to pretend he didn’t see me personally, I made a decision to approach him and participate in a quick discussion. Weirdly, he recommended we meet up (he really meant that) although I doubt. But I wasn’t going to allow him to carry on dealing with me such as for instance a non-entity. I did son’t do just about anything to him.

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